When I say I don't mind dying today, people think I'm suicidal.When people hear one of my favourite books in the Bible is Ecclesiastes, they usually do a double-take. It is written by a king who identifies himself as The Philosopher, and people write off the book as "pessismism." This is how Ecclesiastes opens:
"It is useless, useless, said the Philosopher. Life is useless, all useless... Every river flows into the sea, but the sea is not yet full. The water returns to where the rivers began, and starts all over again.... Our eyes can never see enough to be satisfied; our ears can never hear enough. What has happened before will happen again. What has been done before will be done again."
It's actually a pretty famous book, though not many people may realise the source when they hear The Byrd's "Turn, Turn, Turn" or read T. S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock". This:
"He sets the time for birth and the time for death
The time for planting and the time for pulling up,
The time for killing and the time for healing,
The time for tearing down and the time for building,
He sets the time for sorrow and the time for joy,
The time for mourning and the time for dancing,
The time for making love and the time for not making love,
The time for kissing and the time for not kissing,
He sets the time for finding and the time for losing,
The time for saving and the time for throwing away,
The time for tearing and the time for mending,
The time for silence and the time for talk.
He sets the time for love and the time for hate,
The time for war and the time for peace."
I have felt at times like this:
"Better off than those who are dead and gone are those who have never been born, who have never seen the injustice that goes on in this world."
And I laughed softly when I read this:
"Think before you speak, and don't make any rash promises to God. He is in heaven and you are on earth, so don;t say any more than you have to. The more you worry, the more you are likely to have bad dreams, and the more you talk, the more likely you are to say something foolish. So when you make a promise to God, keep it as quickly as possible... Don't let your words lead you into sin, so that you have to tell God's priest that you didn't mean it."
And yet, and yet, someone who ruled a kingdom powerfully, who saw shit and felt that living was like "chasing the wind" because it all seemed so pointless and going nowhere, said again and again as he touched bottom:
"No matter how much you dream, how much useless work you do, or how much you talk, you must still stand in awe of God."
It's crammed with some really wise, beautiful lines among all the yearning for a perfect world, a world in which life made sense to someone who sought to understand. All he says again and again is: enjoy your life, it's all you've got, and have reverence for it and for God.
I can't speak for the philosopher, but I hold the same thing as true. If you can see the world really, all of it, and still feel love, if you accept that "you can't put straight what God made crooked" and just enjoy every day of your life because it's all you have, you will really truly live, with your eyes and your heart open. I was ready to die at the age of 15, because I had done all I ever wanted to experience and I thought life would just be more of the same again and again. I was wrong. I still don't mind dying today, because I will still die with a thankful heart. Perhaps that's all I ever want to say about my life.
p.s. I posted a photo album "head in the clouds"- it's what made me stand in awe this morning.
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